


Verdigris

by tromana



Category: The Mentalist
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Drama, Established Relationship, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-18
Updated: 2013-04-02
Packaged: 2017-12-05 17:28:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 21,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/725915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tromana/pseuds/tromana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just because it looked picture perfect on the outside, it didn't mean it actually was. Jane/Lisbon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this story three years ago, and only finished it December of last year. I like to think the writing improves, but I'm not a fair judge of that. I'm cross-posting this on here now because I put my heart and soul into this piece and would love to hear some more opinions on it.

There were several things that Teresa Lisbon had either never expected to happen or had at least given up on.

Her brother ever seeing sense was one of those things.

Lisbon knew she was absolutely in the right so wasn't willing to forgive or forget. Unfortunately, her brother also believed that he was completely correct. As stubbornness appeared to run in the family, that meant their other two siblings were caught in the middle, constantly begging for one of them to back down, for one of them to see sense. Hardly a month went by without her having an hour long telephone call, begging her to at least _talk_ to Tommy, to try and go some way to healing the familial rift. She hated it too, but she wasn't willing to sacrifice her principles; even for her youngest brother. If he realized that what he did was wrong, then maybe she would be able to talk to him and they could get somewhere.

Having a committed relationship was something that had been becoming a distant hope, a distant dream.

Of course, contrary to popular belief, she did date occasionally. So, it usually never went beyond the first or second meet-up, or landed up being a one night stand without even the consideration of calling back again. But still. They were dates. They still counted. She just learned to never expect anything more than that. Men seemed to find her too formidable, too terrifying. Being a cop and having an erratic style was bad enough; Lisbon could never find a regular time to see prospective life-partners and they landed up growing frustrated and breaking it off before it even had a chance to develop into something more. Then there was the fact that she was also a senior agent and she had her own team. People just found her domineering and most men couldn't cope with the fact that she was the one to take the lead, that she had more control issues than you could shake a stick at. In short, she scared them off. Slowly but surely, she had been beginning to accept that.

There were other things too, but Jane was just… well, Jane.

Her expectations for him were unsurprisingly low. Within her first week of working with the man, she lost count of the number of empty promises he'd spouted off. Usually, when he uttered the word 'promise' or any of its synonyms, she now expected it to be broken within the next twenty four hours. Lisbon quickly learned not to attach any hopes to him, to pretend to trust him rather than actually rely upon him. To try and keep him at arm's length because it was better than being hurt by a man determined to kill a serial killer. He had tunnel vision when it came to Red John and it scared her.

She couldn't help but try to fix him though. It was just in her very nature. See a problem, she just had to solve it. It was half of the reason she became a cop; she just loved finding out the answers for people and making them feel better because of it. If she could work out how to stop Jane from hurting, then she would feel like she had achieved something.

It was an odd relationship - trying to stay distanced, yet trying desperately to help at the same time.

And it was also kind of inevitable that she wouldn't do it all that well. Lisbon knew that somewhere along the line she would screw up. There were some challenges that were just too big, even for her. But she certainly didn't expect herself to fail in the way she did. Since he'd been assigned to her team, Jane seemed to have learned to open up, to talk to people. Okay, so it may not have happened quite as often as she liked, but it was better than nothing at all. It was a breakthrough and she was fairly certain that she would have a couple more sometime soon.

What she hadn't expected was falling in love with him.

xxx

It didn't take Patrick Jane long to learn what was happening.

Teresa Lisbon was naturally a protective woman; it was instinctual to her. He watched as she fiercely protected her team, regardless of what happened to them. She never allowed them face the wrath of the fat cats without being there to help them out. But if they slipped up and needed reprimanding by herself, she wouldn't shy away from it. There was a reason she got to where she was and it wasn't by letting people walk all over her. The only thing was that he seemed to be the exception to that rule. She'd just start to reprimand him, as she always had, but eventually give up. Initially, he believed that it was because she'd learned that he just never listened, but there was something else. An expression in her eyes that stated otherwise.

He hadn't been sure what to think of that.

Instead of actively acknowledging it, he brushed it under the carpet. It was easier than dealing with it straight away. Not necessarily wise, because it was probably something he should nip in the bud, but he hadn't the heart nor the energy to do so. Though he'd never have dared admit it, he was scared. Scared of what that kind of conversation could lead to. Actually worried about the undue heartache he could cause her if he shattered her dreams so suddenly. Contrary to popular (her) beliefs, he did actually care about other people and how they felt. He wasn't a complete bastard.

He was just weak.

Always had been.

When his wife, his _first_ wife, had pursued him, he'd practically hidden under the covers. Unless he was the one taking control, taking the lead, he was so oblivious to the fact that a woman was trying to seduce him, it was unbelievable. Mainly, because he was too busy trying to look for the hidden messages in their behavior, trying to see what they were really up to rather than accepting it at face value. Of course, if he was in a bar and a woman made a blithe comment, he knew what was happening, but if it was someone he knew and knew well, like Lisbon, it was another matter entirely.

But she didn't approach him, didn't act on her apparent feelings. Not the way other women did, not the way his wife had. Not because she lacked confidence, far from it, in fact. Probably because, despite the fact he was a civilian and therefore there was a loophole which allowed them to work together and have a romantic relationship, it looked inappropriate. After the Rigsby and Van Pelt debacle, she had to lead be example, not appear to subvert the very rules she was trying to uphold. And it didn't matter how many heated gazes she sent in his direction, nor how lax she was with him despite trying to be the opposite. Things just weren't going to change.

She did try dating other people and Jane had watched with interest. He always knew it was doomed to failure though. Regardless of how nice the other man was, how well he fitted her on paper, it just never worked. Her heart wasn't in it and though she never bothered to vocalize it. He knew exactly why: as time progressed onwards, she appeared to be developing stronger and stronger feelings for him. For a change, that wasn't his arrogance speaking. It was what he read in the situation. And Patrick Jane knew that if he could change those feelings in an instant, turn them off in her, he would.

He hated seeing her so unhappy.

That was why he swallowed his nerves, his pride and just kissed her.

xxx

They dated, for a while.

She was happy, he was not.

He'd assumed that she would realize that this was clearly a terrible idea, that they really weren't suited as they did so. Jane knew that he wasn't even over his first wife, but Lisbon didn't seem to have a clue. Well, they did say love was blind.

But at least she was smiling again; that was an achievement of sorts. Her whole face lit up whenever she did so and while he couldn't even bring himself to love her, he did like the affect being genuinely happy had on her. The spring in her step, the lightness in her touch, the sense of calm she practically embodied. It suited her - far more than the heaviness that seemed to previously surround her. Of course, if anybody noted the change in Lisbon's behavior, she would have scoffed at them, said they were absolutely mad. Having a man in her life didn't make her react any differently, it just meant she actually had a social life when previously she didn't.

And that was a good thing.

However, Lisbon wasn't as naïve as Jane assumed she was. She could tell that sometimes, his smiles were a little forced, as were the things he said and did. His movements weren't quite as relaxed as they could be and he always seemed to be, somehow, on edge. They still argued too, and not just about work now. It may have been the natural part of any relationship, but Lisbon couldn't help but wonder if, maybe, their arguments seemed to escalate further than any other couple's. She watched other people, she _was_ a detective too, after all, trying desperately to work out what the difference was. Always comparing what she had to other people and they always seemed relaxed, at ease in their relationships whereas she was constantly scared of stepping on Jane's toes. And though she wasn't exactly experienced when it came to relationships, even she knew that couldn't be right.

It was after a particularly nasty argument when she made her decision. Though Jane's observations were correct, she was happier having somebody to share her life with, she couldn't keep tying him down. More than ever, Jane seemed to be carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders and Lisbon couldn't help but wonder if she was half the problem. That if she were to cease their strange little relationship, Jane would be able to relax again, wouldn't feel so stifled, so torn with his emotions. As she went to tell him just that, he stunned her, rather like he usually did.

Of all the things for him to say the morning after they'd tried tearing each other to shreds with callous words and cruel remarks, suggesting marriage was pretty near the bottom of the list.

With no thought of her own, somehow, an acceptance slipped out.

And that was why, on this hot, sunny day, she found herself on a sandy beach, dressed in a simple, white gown with a particularly apprehensive Patrick Jane by her side.

Her brothers - all of them - were in attendance. Along with the team, a handful of friends and even a couple of her old college friends. Virgil Minelli, her ex-boss and mentor, though disapproving of her choice of life-partner had even agreed to give her away. It was a small ceremony, the kind that she'd always dreamed of, but had given up hope of ever having. Though she could scarcely believe it, it was almost as though Patrick, as she now generally thought of his as, had read her mind and plucked out that perfect little vision she'd always had pocketed away.

Theoretically, it was perfect. Not too big, everybody she'd wanted to attend (excepting her parents) was there. They hadn't rushed into it, not like they could have done. Taken their time over each and every decision. _Theoretically_ , she was happy and this was the best day of her life.

So why was it, as she said 'I do', she couldn't help but wonder if she'd just made the biggest mistake of her life instead?


	2. Chapter 2

They cut their honeymoon short because of Red John.

It hadn't even surprised Lisbon. If anything was going to interrupt what was supposed to be the most romantic vacation of her life, it would be a serial killer whom her husband had spent the best part of a decade trailing. Part of her just didn't care, it was to be expected. If Red John turned up, they simply had to drop everything to attempt to bring him to justice - it was just the way of the world. The other part, however, was jealous, angry and more than a little bit hurt. Jane was meant to be moving on with his life, with her, and yet he still kept clinging onto the ghosts of the past. Couldn't appreciate what he had here, and now because he was so fixated on his hapless cause, he seemed to forget that she was now a major part of his life at all.

Not that it was much of a honeymoon anyway. More like a vacation being shared by two friends, with the intention of sightseeing in Europe and exploring other cultures. Lisbon hadn't been sure what she had been expecting from marriage, but it certainly wasn't this. She'd explicitly tried to keep her expectations low; Jane was damaged goods and she knew that there wouldn't be miracle transformations overnight. However, when she was lucky, she had received an occasional brush of the lips against her own and a gentle, somewhat affectionate hug and that was it. They hadn't consummated their relationship, not even before the wedding band had joined the engagement ring on her finger and certainly not after. She knew it was not necessarily wrong, but it was different at least. Her doubts were still yet to dissipate, but she also knew why she had said yes on that sunny day on the beach.

Whatever she did and however hard she had tried not to, she still loved him. And that was despite his continued obsession with Red John.

Jane had been the one to pay for flights back, out of some reserves of cash that she hadn't a clue about. As soon as he received a text message from Cho, he started packing their belongings back into a suitcase. A drowsy Lisbon had walked out of the bedroom, the one she'd been sleeping alone in for the duration, to see him in a state of panic as he tried to locate their passports.

Eventually, she managed to calm him down, explained that they had been safely shut in her purse all along. She even managed to keep her mouth firmly shut as he hailed a cab and had them driven to Heathrow airport at three a.m.

Within forty-eight hours and both severely jet-lagged, they were back to work. Lisbon could already see that it was going to be a hapless task, that Red John was more than likely to slip through their fingers once more. Because of the delay in leaving England and actually flying over, the trails were already going cold and the serial killer was disappearing back into the shadows.

As it happened, her husband continued to withdraw back into himself. To be entirely honest, she expected it to happen, though not to the degree that it was. It had happened every time Red John had reared his ugly head before they were wed and she simply assumed it was something that would continue to occur. Lisbon respected Jane's promise to his first wife, the one which he vowed to catch Red John. She was just relieved he'd toned it down, for her sake, from maim and kill to simply apprehend.

But that didn't make watching him disappear into himself and knowing that there was very little she could do about it any easier. If he wouldn't even listen to her, his wife (albeit for only just over three weeks), then what else could she try?

She really was the Queen of Hopeless Causes and she didn't know why she did it to herself.

When it became clear that she was right, that they had lost Red John yet again, she tried to set him down, to talk to him. To tell him that it was okay, that there was always next time. That time and location had been against them.

And yet again, she felt as though she were fighting a losing battle.

xxx

There was no question other than to leave England when Jane found out that Red John had struck again.

He felt a little guilty, when he saw Lisbon's tightened expression and her attempts to put a brave face on it all. It didn't stop him from knowing that it was hurting her, from realizing that she was still second best. Though he wished, more than anything, that he could confirm otherwise, it was simply out of the question. This was Red John they were talking about and she was just Lisbon.

She and her team were a group of special people and were it not for them, he wouldn't still be here today. Life without his wife and daughter was hard enough even with the support network they provided. And Lisbon, especially, was special. She stuck with him through thick and thin, tolerated him whenever he caused her problems and rarely complained.

That was why he started dating her, to give her something back. Ultimately, it was why he married her too.

He liked her well enough - there wasn't really too much to dislike, if he thought about it hard enough. He just didn't love her.

But that was something he could work on. It would come, sooner or later. Probably after they caught Red John so he could finally, finally, close that chapter of his life. If he lived through that, of course. Love was just something that required a little work on his part. He'd always been a bit slow on the uptake whenever it came to caring for somebody else, anyway.

Once back in Sacramento, and once it was clear that Red John was managing to evade them yet again, Jane didn't know what to say or do. Each time they came across him, he felt that this time, they might just get lucky. That Red John may become too cocky or complacent and slip up somehow. That they would finally make that little connection to stop him from tearing apart the lives of others.

Jane had told Lisbon, for her sake, that he would be willing to hand him over. To let them apprehend him in the legal way. To find out that he had no intention of doing just that would break her heart. The fact that he still couldn't commit fully to their relationship was bad enough. There was only so much grief one person could handle and goodness knew that Lisbon had more than her fair share.

And he was only adding to it.

Then again, provided he survived that final incursion with the serial killer and actually managed to kill him, he was unlikely to go to jail for long. They would be sympathetic. It wasn't as if he was out to kill anyone else, he had been severely provoked and besides, he closed cases for them. That had to hold some sway didn't it?Lisbon would be mortified though.

Lisbon.

How would Red John react to that? Any sight of happiness in Jane's life and Red John seemed intent on putting a stopper on it. He must have known about his relationship of sorts with Lisbon, but why did he let it continue to flourish and grow? Did he know they had married already?

Was the timing of this latest murder entirely coincidental or because they had been out of the country and a ruse to lure them back?

When would he attack the brunette woman, currently pouting over case files in her office? Or did Red John know that their marriage was still essentially a sham?

xxx

"C'mon, Patrick. Let's go home."

"Mm. I think I'll stay here for the night," he murmured, staring aimlessly at the ceiling. "Think over the case some more."

Lisbon crossed her arms and tapped her foot gently against the wooden floorboards. This was the third night in a row that he'd done this. The third night since they had been absolutely certain that Red John was out of their grasp once more.

Rigsby, sensibly, ignored the silent war of wills going on right underneath his nose. He knew who would win though. Lisbon may have been famed for her stubbornness, but even she wasn't a match for Jane when he'd set his mind to something. It wasn't any of his business if his boss and the consultant were already suffering from marital woes. There was nothing he could do to change that; it was something they would have to work through themselves. He did realize that it meant Lisbon was more inclined to be in a foul mood, more inclined to harsher punishments and to be irritated by little things though. That meant he'd have to be on his best behavior so as not to incur her wrath. Or, at least until they'd sorted out their problems anyway. He hoped it wouldn't take long simply because of that.

But it wasn't something for him to really worry about until morning. He had a date with Conny to prepare for.

Neither Lisbon nor Jane noticed him leave. They were both too wrapped up in their own worlds to even care about him scurrying away. And both feeling terribly uncomfortable in one another's presence. During working hours they managed to act like civilized beings, to get through work as colleagues would.

It was just now that Jane was too busy being wrapped in the past while Lisbon wanted to drag him kicking and screaming into the present, that they were having problems.

Jane found it difficult to compartmentalize his emotions, especially when it came to Red John. For her it was just a matter of worrying about the fact the case was still, irritatingly, open and a blemish on her closed case record. For him, another matter entirely.

Besides, it was exhausting acting the loving husband when the woman you still thought of as being your wife was six feet under.

Lisbon just couldn't see that.

It wasn't that she was naïve, far from it in fact. It was just that she saw what she wanted to see - a Jane that was moving on with his life. A Jane that had found a new love, a new life. A Jane that had managed to mostly put old ghosts to rest for the sake of his new living arrangements.

However much she said or thought otherwise, deep down, it just wasn't true.

Eventually, she realized she was fighting yet another losing battle and bitterly, she stomped out of the bullpen, leaving him staring at the cracks in the ceiling. Both of them knew just how little sleep Jane was going to get that night, but it was too tiring to fight anymore. Lisbon wanted at least one of them awake and alert in the morning, ready for whatever California had to throw at them.

When she arrived him, she forgot about dinner, too tense and angry to even care about eating. Instead she headed straight upstairs to bed. When her head hit her pillow, she knew sleep was unlikely to come for her as well. It wasn't because the left hand side of the bed was conspicuously empty; he rarely shared it with her, even when they were getting on well. It was because her husband was not in her house at all and she wished more than anything that he was.


	3. Chapter 3

He knew he shouldn't run out on her like this, but really, it wasn't as if he was leaving for good. Just for a day or so.

Because it was the anniversary of…

Jane stopped that train of thought. That wasn't what he was here for right now. There would be time for that later. When he reached the cemetery.

What mattered now was that he dealt with Lisbon. Made sure that she knew he still cared about her at least. That he wasn't skipping out on work just for fun and he'd be home soon.

Lisbon was good at understanding, good at listening to him in his hour of need, but there were some thing he just couldn't share yet. It wasn't that he didn't _want_ to, he just wasn't ready or didn't quite know how to say it. For somebody as good with words as he was, that was a very uncomfortable feeling and something he tried to avoid as much as possible. Besides, the poor woman had enough on her plate without him going on and on about the ghosts of his past. The fact she felt second best to them was obvious and he didn't want to exacerbate the feeling, even if right now, he couldn't make it any better.

His head collided with her desk and he remained in the hunched over position for a brief while. The cool wood relieved the tension headache that was beginning to develop and he appreciated the albeit temporary reprieve. This was such a mess and he was an idiot. He should never have started toying with her emotions, given her false hope of something that still might never happen. It wasn't even making her happy anymore, instead she was just as surly and depressed as he was. Lisbon didn't deserve that; he had to try and do something to fix it.

Well, later. There was always time for fixing his relationship with Lisbon properly later. Jane was more than aware that this was just the proverbial band-aid in attempt to keep the peace for just a little while longer.

Jane placed a small box in plain sight on her desk. The cleaners had long gone, so there was no chance of them disposing of it before she found it. That was the reason he was in her private office, alone. Little gifts, like a bottle of expensive perfume, wouldn't do all that much when it came to helping her feel better about their relationship. However, it was a baby step and made her feel spoilt. She'd had an unlucky childhood and spent most of her life thinking about others. While that wasn't a bad thing, it did mean she wasn't used to extravagant gifts.

Besides, gifts were something he could do right now and if they made her smile just a little, then it was an achievement of sorts.

However, it was inevitable that the panic would eventually set in. She hated the fact that he had been spending nights elsewhere - the CBI headquarters, motels, even his old place on one occasion - rather than at home with her. Him just disappearing on her was just going to be adding salt into the already gaping wound. Lisbon would assume that he had left for good, then proceed to search for him, all the while blaming herself for pushing him away.

He shook his head and closed the door. There was nothing he could do about that right now, except not go at all and he wasn't willing to do that. Jane needed was space and he wasn't in the mood to sit down and try and explain that to her. While she usually had enough understanding to know when to pull back, he had been pushing her away a lot lately - more than usual. She was growing frustrated and seeing it as a failure in her 'wifely duties' or something like that. Just leaving for twenty four hours and then dealing with the ghosts of the past as necessary was far more preferable. Certainly more so than tackling them in front of her anyway.

He knew she would understand afterwards. She was _Lisbon_.

That made all the difference in the world.

000

When she arrived at work the next morning, half asleep and yawning expansively, there was nobody else in the bullpen. In fact, there were very few people in the building at all. That wasn't unusual. Lisbon often made additional effort to get into work early in order to finish off paperwork in solitude. It sometimes seemed as though the additional wage she received for being senior agent was purely to pay for the extra time she spent dotting the i's and crossing the t's. She didn't complain though; she loved her job and without it, she would never have met her husband.

Her husband, who should have been stretched out over the battered couch near his unused desk.

That was why she was at least somewhat concerned. She hadn't seen Jane for a good twelve hours or so and she wanted desperately to know whether or not he was at least somewhat okay. There was a reason she married him, after all, and not just because she liked her engagement ring. With a heavy sigh, she headed towards her office and pushed the door open with her shoulder. Blinds clattered against the glass window and it filled the room with a sudden sharp noise. Lisbon sighed. At least there would be the general hubbub of noise soon and maybe then, Jane would decide it would be a good idea to come into work.

It was only when she collapsed into her chair that she noticed the small box, wrapped in delicate tissue paper placed on her desk. Intrigued, she ran a finger briefly across one of the edges before picking it up. She didn't need to guess who would leave such a thing in her office; only one man would be presumptuous enough to do such a thing.

Unless…

She disregarded the thought quickly. Security was more than adequate. Besides, since Bosco (her heart clenched painfully at the memory), it had been increased dramatically.

Lisbon tore the paper off, annoyed by her moment's indecision and smiled when she saw the contents. Sometimes, she hated just how well Jane knew her because it meant that she could hold very few secrets from him. Still, when he did things like this, just when she was doubting him and their relationship, she couldn't help but be grateful. Many women would kill for a husband who knew them that well. Unfortunately, Lisbon knew all too well that some literally did. However, perfume didn't explain where he was or why he seemed to be avoiding her.

Irritated, she pulled open a draw, placed it inside and shut it roughly. Regardless of what Jane thought, he couldn't buy favors.

Even though it _was_ her favorite scent and she had been running low on it.

She shook her head. No, she couldn't think like that. Especially not at work where she had to remain professional. Here she was a senior agent, not a wife aching for some kind of contact from her husband.

Six hours later, when he remained stubbornly absent from the entirety of the CBI headquarters, she quickly changed her mind about that.

xxx

It had taken longer than he had expected to get to the cemetery and he was already uncharacteristically annoyed. He'd wanted to spend most the day here, tending to their gravesides and making them look at least presentable to passers-by. Instead, due to a couple of minor incidents, including him not being able to find _anything_ at home and a road traffic accident causing tailbacks in all directions, he had only just arrived. He sighed. It was already well past lunchtime, but there was little more he could do.

He reached the graves he was looking for within minutes. The path to them was so familiar to him that he could quite easily have taken it blindfolded.

Moss was beginning to grow on the slabs of marble and Jane was embarrassed by the sight. He found it hard to come here, to the place where just their ashes remained. One of the very few reminders that his wife and daughter had existed at all. He knelt down and quickly started scrubbing at the surface, over the engraved name, relieved that he remembered to bring cleaning equipment. Once upon a time, he promised to love her forever, 'unto death us do part'. Death had already pulled them cruelly apart and yet, she still felt as important to him as the day he proposed to her. People thought he'd moved on, thought he was happy again. Oh how wrong they were. Angry, he threw down the brush and leaned up against the unforgiving surface. Half of him wished he was burned to a crisp like she was. Jane shook his head, trying to clear the mood that had enveloped his mind and carried on with his task, all the while thinking.

Cleaning their gravestones wasn't the only reason he came here today. It wasn't the only reason why he avoided Lisbon and work.

He wasn't sure why he was feeling quite so nostalgic, but he couldn't help it. Maybe it was because it was the first anniversary of a special occasion that had happened since he wed Lisbon six weeks ago?

It wasn't even a particularly special one, not to most people. However, being blessed (and cursed) with an exceptional memory, it was impossible for Jane to forget the day when his wife told him he was going to be a Dad. As soon as she had told him the news, he vowed that he would always be a better parent than his father had been. His little girl, she had been happy. But he hadn't been able to protect, had managed to get her killed before her fifth birthday. That was the ultimate failure.

The unmistakable crack of somebody standing on a twig filled the otherwise silent cemetery. Jane whipped around to look and he saw Lisbon, standing stock still, looking very embarrassed.

He knew he shouldn't doubt her abilities too much, but she had found him far quicker than he anticipated.

Truth be told, he didn't think she would make the connection at all.

xxx

"Talk to me."

Though it was phrased as a demand, she said it soothingly, quietly. She wanted him to know that she was there for him, through thick and thin. Even with all of her doubts, that was what she signed up for when she said 'I do' and she wasn't about to back out of it just because of a rough patch. She tried not to think about how the entirety of their married life could be described as one long rough patch and instead focused on him. It troubled her that since Red John had last struck, since their honeymoon, she hadn't been able to get a word out of him. Well a word that didn't relate to work, at any rate. Lisbon sat beside him, cross-legged and covered his hand with her own. She tried not to look heartbroken when he snatched it away, as if her fingertips had burned him to the core.

"Please."

"Teresa…"

"I can't even _try_ to if you won't tell me a thing, Patrick."

He stood. Lisbon looked furious and he couldn't decide whether or not it was justified. Jane didn't have to ask to know that she was upset that he still willfully shut her out, but he didn't care. Not at that moment anyway. All his plans for privacy had been completely disturbed and he'd barely had a chance to start work on the graves, never mind prepare the lavish bouquets he'd bought.

Jane hadn't told her what he was doing because he knew it would hurt her. She hated the fact he was still so caught up in the past. Of course she tried not to judge, but deep down she did. It was obvious that Lisbon hated her hypocrisy; she was practically defined by the death of her parents. But then again, by marrying her, he had made paths into moving on, but he still acted as if his relationship with Lisbon barely existed.

"Why did you come here?"

"Oh, I don't know. Maybe to find my husband who should actually be at work rather than," she snapped, took a deep breath before lowering her tone. "Rather than here."

Without another word, he walked calmly away, leaving everything he had brought with him at the graveside. When Lisbon called to him, he bitterly ignored her. What he needed to go somewhere to calm down, to recollect his thoughts, not a heart to heart with somebody who was constantly just trying to understand. Briefly, he considered filing for an impromptu vacation. He wasn't sure whether or not he could face the questions of why Lisbon wasn't joining him as well though.

"You know what? Screw you," she muttered under her breath when it became clear he wasn't coming back.

Lisbon took a deep breath and headed to her SUV, but not without picking up Jane's belongings first. She refused to let the tears fall until she parked up outside their home. It just wasn't right for her to be seen crying in public.


	4. Chapter 4

"I'm sorry, Sir, but this is our last room available for the night."

Jane glanced back at the parking lot. Excepting three other vehicles, one of which was probably the receptionist's and another was his beloved Citroën, it was deserted. The poor girl was probably just trained to tell every single customer who walked through the door that there was a limited supply. Poor soul. One day, she would learn to be more convincing. If he'd had the energy, he would have baited her about it.

Instead, he simply said, "I'll take it."

The room was drafty and not just because of the open window.

Normally, he would complain and Lisbon would classify it as him making a scene, but if people were providing a service, he expected them to provide one they were proud of. This place clearly didn't fit that criteria, but right now, Jane didn't feel as though he deserved any better.

He was a complete and utter bastard.

She didn't deserve this and yet, he couldn't stop himself.

Was he just condemned to constantly hurt the people who cared about him the most? Was it just a compulsion, a knee-jerk reaction, to try and push them away? Or did he actually _enjoy_ seeing other people suffer the way that he was twenty four hours a day, seven days a week?

Without even bothering to slip off his shoes, he sat down, staring into thin air. Eventually, he leaned back on the unforgiving mattress and laced his fingers, resting his hands on his chest. Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes as the cool breeze washed over him. Normally, it would be almost blissful. Especially after a long day on the road, driving to nowhere just to avoid seeing other people.

Right now, his mind was far too occupied with other things.

Jane's eyes sprang open again and he followed a crack in the ceiling. He didn't have anything better to do. It wasn't as if he was going to get any sleep any time soon. That kind of thing was the respite of the sensible and the sane and he most certainly wasn't _that_.

"What would you do?"

Silence filled the room, as it always did whenever he started speaking to her. It was strange how the sound of absolutely nothing could be completely deafening at times

"Do you like her? Should I be doing this? Should I be trying to be a proper husband to her? Would that make you happy? Or would you be disappointed?"

He paused, as if straining to hear for the answers to his many questions. Like always, they never came. Jane wasn't expecting them to, he wasn't one for believing in ghosts or another life. That was a fact he made clear on many occasions.

"What about my wedding vows? Have I broken them to you? What about those I said to her? Should I be doing more to uphold them now? How's our baby girl? Is she proud of what her Daddy's become?" he paused and blinked several times to prevent the tears stinging at the corner of his eyes from falling. "I doubt it. I wouldn't be."

Again, he listened. All he could hear was the echo of blood rushing around his ears. The dead stayed dead, he of all people should have known that one.

"Why am I even bothering to do this anymore? It doesn't work."

He turned onto his side, reached over to the lamp that was filling the room with light and turned it off.

000

"I'm sorry ma'am, but this is the last room."

"That's okay."

Lisbon took hold of the key that the receptionist handed to her and clutched hold of it tightly. It didn't matter that the receptionist was clearly lying, that was her prerogative. Instead, she picked up her small overnight bag before heading towards room 202. It wasn't anything special, nor did she expect it to be. Over the years, she'd spent many nights in similar establishments, usually at the expense of the CBI.

This was not one of those occasions.

She'd gone straight home after that dreadful argument and she had been crying even before she climbed out of her car. When she had eventually pulled herself together, something which took a matter of minutes, Lisbon found herself angry at letting Jane drive her to such a state. It had been years since she had last let a man hurt her so much.

It didn't take her long to realize she couldn't stay at home for the night. Though she was used to staying there without her husband, it felt empty. Probably because of the blazing row they had just had. Besides, he might have wanted to come home and spend some time alone there. Unlikely, but it was always a possibility. The main problem was that every single nook and cranny reminded her of him and it was driving her insane.

Getting away from the house was easy.

Escaping her mind was another challenge altogether.

Lisbon knew she shouldn't have gone to the cemetery, she decided as she rummaged through her belongings for her pajamas. She knew that he had these random occasions when he just had to remember her, his wife. His _other_ wife, that was. They were also the special occasions that upset him that made little to no sense to anyone but him, she remembered. She accidentally broke her toothbrush while scrubbing her teeth slightly too hard in frustration. She should be giving him some more space to grieve, she realized as she tugged the curtains shut and climbed into the bed.

But just how much _more_ space could she give him? She was trying to be sympathetic, to be understanding. However, he never gave anything back and that was the problem. Why did he marry her if he didn't actually love her? Why did he propose at all?Hell, why did they continue with their farce of a relationship for so long in the first place?

Curling up in the fetal position, Lisbon pulled the scratchy sheets tightly around her body. She hoped she'd get at least a little sleep, otherwise she would be even more grouchy at work than usual.

While she did eventually drift off, not once did she notice Jane's car parked just off to one side in the parking lot.

xxx

He had no intention of going to work again.

After all, why should he?

Well, apart from the fact that it'd make him a good employee. He had never particularly aimed to be one before, so what was the point of changing the habit of a lifetime?

Especially when his wife would be there. His hot-headed wife who would inevitably need more time to cool down before she would be able to talk to him civilly. The same woman who also happened to be his boss.

She'd already be there, poring over open case files, double checking forms and looking over formal complaints (about him). As soon as the others made an appearance, Lisbon would probably snap their heads off for little to no reason and they'd wonder what the hell happened last night.

Poor things.

If _he_ even dared set foot in the CBI headquarters, he was doomed. Besides, regardless of the fact they'd married and that everyone at work knew, it didn't stop her from being voraciously private when it came to their relationship. Lisbon wouldn't want all their problems to be dragged into work and set the rumor mills off. The last thing either of them wanted was people hinting that they may get divorced in the near future.

Though, who knew?

Maybe divorce would be better for all those concerned? After all, he wasn't exactly upholding his vows.

It wasn't as if they'd even consummated their relationship yet. Despite the fact she'd hinted several times, on the rare occasions when they did share a bed, they merely slept. Whether it was because they were simply too tired for more energetic activities or due to the fact he rejected her advances, it just hadn't been on the cards thus far.

But then again, if they were to divorce, it would probably break her heart. Jane knew he had been responsible for far too much heartbreak in his time. Did he really want to be the cause of even more? Of someone he genuinely cared about, despite how things appeared to be?

Whatever they did, whatever way he turned, he couldn't win. It was like standing between a rock and a hard place.

As the receptionist, the same bored girl whom he'd dealt with the night before*, asked him if he enjoyed his, he nodded congenially and handed over the key. Making a mental note not to bother staying at that particular motel again, he headed out of the doors only to see a very familiar SUV right before him.

His heart warmed slightly. He knew why she'd done it; she hated being reminded of things that upset her. It also meant that he could have gone home, had he wanted to. Saint Teresa always thought of others before herself.

Maybe he would head into work, then. He needed to stop running away from the problem, even if it was painful to fix it. What was it that the baboon said in 'The Lion King'? You can either run from it or learn from it.

Or something like that, anyway.

xxx

Lisbon slept fitfully, quickly remembering why she hated sleeping in foreign beds during out of town cases. When she awoke, she knew that she was tired and therefore, she wouldn't be in the best of moods all day. Also, the water for the shower had been freezing cold. On top of that, the kettle was broken so she hadn't been able to drink any of the complimentary instant coffee rubbish the motel had been 'kind' enough to supply.

Needless to say, when she was finally ready to leave for work, she was rather abrupt with the staff when leaving the motel. It didn't help that she was running late and that as lead agent, she hated running late. She was the boss and therefore, Lisbon believed she was meant to lead by example. The rest of her journey went at least relatively smoothly, something which was a blessed relief and that she succeeded in reaching her office undisturbed.

All she needed was that fix of caffeine and then…

"Jane! You scared the crap out of me," she hissed as she pushed her door closed. "I wish you wouldn't do that."

"Do what?"

"Hide in my office, you son of a..."

"Is that really the kind of language to use when talking to your husband?"

"Yes," she answered with a glowering stare. "I'm annoyed."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"No, you're not."

Jane paused. Sometimes it was easy to forget that she could be quite perceptive as well. Besides, they had been living together for quite some time and known each other for even longer than that. It was only natural that _something_ rubbed off on her. Lisbon was right though; he wasn't sorry for being angry with her for turning up yesterday. He was sorry, for upsetting her, however.

"I didn't mean to hurt you. I don't like it when you're angry."

Lisbon raised a skeptical eyebrow. "Oh really? Then why do I have a pile of complaints that is as high as the pile of case files?"

"That's different. That's work related."

"Yes, because that's so obvious."

"Are you going to let me apologize or not?" When she remained mute, he continued, "I'm sorry."

"Me too. I should have known."

"No, you shouldn't. Not even _I_ can read minds, Teresa." He stood and wrapped his arms tightly around her waist, burying his nose into her hair. "I've missed you. And I brought you coffee."

"My hero," she quipped back sarcastically and Jane grinned. "Now if only you could magic away my paperwork and then we could get out of here."

"Failing that, I could magic myself out of here and give you some peace and quiet?"

"That'd work too."

He headed towards the door before pausing.

"How does spaghetti sound tonight?"

"Great," she answered, not really caring what they ate. Instead, it was the confirmation that Jane would be home for dinner that made her smile.


	5. Chapter 5

When Jane awoke, he was marginally surprised to find Lisbon curled up by his side.

He wasn't sure what to think either.

They had been getting along a little better lately, something almost resembling a normal relationship, whatever that was. He appreciated that it made things easier, meant that they rubbed alongside one another with less strife. Well, less strife than usual, at any rate. It didn't take a mind reader to work out that their daily spats had been taking their toll and a brief respite was always much appreciated.

Carefully, he extracted himself from Lisbon's cast-iron grip and sauntered to the shower. As the scalding hot water pelted his sensitive skin, he considered themselves, as a couple. Realistically, he knew they were doing a pretty good job at convincing other people they were a happily married couple. There was no missing Van Pelt's wistful gazes and the rest of the team seemed to have swallowed the act pretty well too. The same applied to Lisbon's brothers. James had even asked his sister if there was going to be any signs of the pitter-patter of tiny feet in the near future.

That didn't mean everything was fine though.

If anything, the lack of arguments could almost signify a sense of apathy. That they just didn't care enough anymore to even bother with fighting. Everything they said and did now was just to keep the peace, simply because it was easier that way.

And yet, he knew he was still hurting her.

Why?

Because he was still continually pushing her away.

Jane was spending more and more time down the cemetery, talking to his first wife. Of course she never answered back, but somehow, it made him feel closer to her. Made sure that he didn't forget her in favor of focusing on his current relationship. Not that he ever could. Angela had been his first love, his first wife. And she had given him his first child.

Regardless of what society said, Jane still defined himself as a father. Just because the child was dead, it didn't mean that he was automatically separated from the role.

He also knew that Lisbon knew this was where he was spending most of his free time.

She accepted it, smiling gently whenever he spoke politely to her, though it never met her eyes anymore. Not like it had when they first started dating. Their relationship had made her happy then, which was better than now.

If he was right, and he was fairly sure he was, all it succeeded in doing was making them both feel miserable.

And yet, neither one of them felt brave enough to suggest ending it. Moving on. Going back to what they had before.

If they could. After all this.

It would be easier than living in this kind of pseudo-hell anyway.

Then there was still the matter of Red John.

One thing Jane was certain of was that Lisbon had swallowed all of the lies regarding the serial killer. That he would happily hand him over to the authorities and watch him be tried in a court of law. Or maybe, she simply _wanted_ to believe him rather than had accepted what he'd said as truth. However, what he said and what he thought were two entirely different things.

He still wanted to see Red John dead. Preferably, at his own hands.

As far as Jane was concerned, it was small penance for destroying the lives of so many innocent people. The man deserved to suffer, not the relative dignity the courts would provide him with.

That was something Lisbon just couldn't see. She was far too fixated and doing what was right. Behaving by the book.

It wasn't long before they were both ready to leave for work. Lisbon was a little tense for some reason, though for once, Jane couldn't place exactly why. She didn't have any tricky court testimonies to get through, nor uncomfortable meetings with shrinks or the like. It was just an average work day.

Except…

Her meeting with Hightower.

Of course. Special Agent Madeleine Hightower had _never_ approved of their relationship. It was just a simple fact of her not being able to do anything about it that annoyed the woman.

When they arrived, Lisbon kissed him lightly on the cheek before turning on her heels and heading straight to her office. Jane, meanwhile, made straight for the couch and soon sank into its reassuring leather.

"Aw, they're so sweet," Van Pelt breathed, just loud enough for Jane to overhear. "I hope I find someone who loves me like that."

'Oh, if only she knew,' Jane mused and took note of the way Rigsby also avoided her gaze.

xxx

"Jane?" Lisbon said quietly and Jane's eyes sprang open in response.

"Yes?"

"We're going to go and talk to Mrs Adams again. You want to come with?"

"I think I'll stay behind," he replied, not even bothering to look at her. "If it's all the same to you."

"What? You're not just going to look through the Red John files _again_ , are you?"

Jane's expression told her that, for once, she was completely right. He didn't respond and instead, she watched as he pulled out an all too familiar box. It contained all the reports on Red John to date. Lisbon merely shrugged indifferently and strode away, with Cho falling into step behind her. She wished she could bring herself to care more, but she didn't. If her husband wanted to waste his spare time looking over facts and figures he already knew by heart, it didn't matter to her.

At least, as his boss, she could be pleased that he was actually spending his time constructively rather than winding the hell out of Rigsby.

And truth be told, she didn't mind spending some time apart. What with being married to one another and working together, they practically lived in one another's pockets.

If their relationship was anything like it was meant to be, she would probably have been thrilled by the concept. Instead, she found it a little draining. She lost count of the number of occasions in just one day that they ran out of things to say to each other.

Mrs Adams, it turned out, had little of use to say on their second meeting. However, she had been able to dig out her husband's old address book, full of contacts from work. Lisbon thanked her for her consideration as they left.

Just before she got into the van, her cell phone rang. Grumbling, she dug it out of her pocket and answered it swiftly. She wasn't surprised that it was Jane.

"What do you want?" she snapped, sounding a little more angry than she intended.

Normally, she would have expected a cheeky comment. Something along the lines of 'what happened to hello?' However, it never came.

"Patrick?" she muttered tentatively, growing concerned at his lack of response.

"I... kind of… need help."

"What have you done? Why didn't you call first? Where are you?"

He ignored her first two questions and quickly gave her an address before hanging up.

It irritated her, the way he did that. Lisbon always asked Jane questions for a reason. If she hadn't wanted to know what was going on, then she wouldn't have said a thing. While she put the car into drive, she explained to Cho what was going on. As expected, her second-in-command didn't batter an eyelid.

Lisbon liked that about Cho.

He was honest, reliable. Got the job done with little to no fuss.

The journey was silent and tense. All Lisbon could think about was the different scenarios Jane had got himself caught up in, each one worse than the previous one.

While their marriage was uncomfortable, to phrase it politely, she wasn't ready to be a widow. Given the option, she would much prefer to be a divorcee. And that was something that was growing more tempting day by day.

Their marriage wasn't getting any easier as time marched on. If anything, it was getting harder, more unpleasant.

When they eventually arrived at the address Jane had supplied her with, Lisbon almost found it a relief. At least now she would get some answers.

Barely seconds after she got out of the car, she heard the crack of a gunshot.

Swiftly, her gun was drawn. Cho was moving onwards.

Then, another shot.

She didn't have time to react. They had already scattered before she could fire a shot back in their direction.

And Kimball Cho was lying face down, on the ground.

xxx

Jane wanted to hold her hand all the way to the hospital.

She wouldn't let him; why would she?

He should have known. Should have realized that members of the gang would ambush Lisbon and Cho the moment they arrived on scene.

They were _cops_.

Enemy number one.

Really, he knew he should never have bothered visiting them in the first place. Not without Lisbon, Cho or someone. A professional trained in mediating with dangerous people. But no, he had to wander in, as if he knew exactly what he was doing and let everything spiral spectacularly out of control.

Simply because he'd noticed a tiny detail in one report stating that this specific gang had gotten embroiled in one of Red John's plans.

Or rather, the serial killer had used them as a means to an end. Once.

And they'd, for the most part, survived unharmed.

Naturally, that meant Jane was aching to know what they did about Red John. He couldn't quite believe that he had left it so long to research into it. Really, it was a clue that he should have investigated years ago.

As he drove to their hideout, he'd thought it was better late than never.

Now, he was beginning to regret ever considering going at all.

It could easily have been his wife fighting for her life, rather than Cho. Not that he didn't regret Cho's situation almost as much as he would have done if their roles were reversed.

But of course there was something different about seeing a co-worker at death's door compared to your own wife. There always had been and always would be.

The reason he'd neglected to tell Lisbon his plan was mostly because he knew she would entirely disapprove of it. Besides, he wanted to get one step ahead of her in his quest to find Red John. That was something else he would prefer to keep quiet. She didn't know his real plans when it came to Red John and the less she knew, the better.

He'd already seen enough of her hurt expression to last for a lifetime.

Briefly, he glanced over at her. Her eyes were entirely focused on Cho; she seemed completely unaware of his presence. Cho's eyes were tightly shut, his chest still rising and falling. All good signs. Excepting the IV line attached to his left elbow and the fact they were riding in a hospital, he could have been simply been sleeping.

Tentatively, Jane lifted his right hand and attempted to tuck a stray tendril of hair behind Lisbon's ear. Irritated, she batted it away, just as he expected she would. The action itself was something he'd done on occasion, when she was sleeping. Previously, it was always accompanied by a nagging sense of guilt. How dare he feel some affection for a woman who wasn't Angela?

Angela wasn't perfect, far from it, in fact. And of course they'd argued and there were little things about her that annoyed him, but she was the first, only, woman he'd loved. There had never been anyone but her.

Because he hadn't been able to shut up on television, she was dead. Their precious daughter was too.

This time, however, though he still felt guilty, Angela didn't even cross his mind. All he could feel was the hurt at the fact she had rejected him, the same way he had spurned her time and time again since the start of their relationship.

His thoughts were broken as they pulled to a stop. Seconds later, the doors were flung open and bright light invaded the previously darkened space. Briefly he was grateful; the two of them, plus a paramedic stuffed together in such a tiny space had made the air somewhat stifling.

Jane watched as Cho was swiftly wheeled away to surgery and Lisbon stormed inside, without a second glance for her husband. He remained rooted to the spot as he realized that, yet again, he could lose everything.

He did have an underlying affection for her, he decided. Maybe even the beginnings of love. That was something Jane had been convinced he would never feel again. In a way, he was still grateful it was Cho lying on that gurney and not her. But he also knew she was furious.

Furious enough to leave him?

Quite possibly.

And nobody would have blamed her if she did.

He had probably put her through hell and back.

If she left him, she would be the second wife he'd lost in under a decade.

And it would be his fault.

Again.


	6. Chapter 6

"Good morning, Teresa."

Lisbon glanced up at the sound of her name. She looked tired, shattered even. It appeared as if she hadn't slept at all the previous night. Considering the circumstances, Jane figured it was highly likely that her appearance was telling the truth.

However, her exhaustion wasn't the first thing that Jane had noticed when he laid eyes on her this morning.

No, the first thing he'd noticed was the conspicuous absence of her engagement ring and wedding band.

"Jane," she answered stiffly and his heart sank.

For a start, it was always a bad sign if Lisbon had reverted back to using surnames.

He took precisely two steps towards her. In that brief second or so, she moved her hands from her computer keyboard and rested them gently on her lap. Obviously, she realized that he had noticed she'd removed them. His Lisbon had always been rather intuitive. Not as much as him, of course, but enough to know something like that.

"Close the door, will you?" she instructed and Jane nodded. "And the blinds."

As he diligently obeyed her instructions, the gnawing in the pit of his stomach intensified. He knew she was angry – beyond that, even. He'd known that from the moment she had told him to 'just, go _away_ ' at the hospital last night. Yesterday, he had really screwed up. It wasn't just their personal relationship teetering on the edge now, but their professional one too.

Jane slowly turned to face her and he opened his mouth to say something, to apologize, to plead for her forgiveness. He was even willing to go that far; last night had been a wake-up call. It could so easily have been her being wheeled into hospital for emergency surgery post-shooting instead of Cho. She could have been fighting for her life, and possibly even losing the battle right now, because of him. That was all because he couldn't talk about Red John properly, because he couldn't let her in on that one thing.

Revenge had nearly cost him his second wife.

If it came down to begging, Jane was even willing to go that far. Right now, he couldn't risk not having her in his life anymore. The shooting had been a wake-up call. If only it hadn't needed to go that far. If only he had been able to see just how important she was to him, without her life being put into mortal peril.

However, before he even managed to get a single syllable out, she cut him off.

"I want a divorce," she stated bluntly.

He stared at her, opened his mouth and closed it again. Blinked three times as he tried to comprehend exactly what it was that she had said.

"What?" he eventually said, more than aware that he sounded completely idiotic.

Well, she was one of very few people who knew how to catch him entirely off-guard.

"You heard me."

"But," he started.

Again, and much to his irritation, she didn't allow him to get any further.

"What we have," she said clearly, almost laughing over the word 'have,' as if she couldn't comprehend it as being anything of worth. "It's a farce. You can't seriously believe this is working. I know I don't."

"We can't give up at the first hurdle!" he retorted.

"The first hurdle? Patrick, this is hardly the _first_ hurdle. Since when has anything been right – really right – between us?" she stopped, as the anger and frustration was clearly beginning to reach boiling point. "When it was just us getting hurt, it didn't bother me so much. But now? Cho could have been killed, because you won't even talk to me! How is that a marriage?"

"How is he?" Jane asked, after she had finally stopped.

"He should be fine, thank you for asking."

Jane took the opportunity to shoot one of her patented glares straight back at her. It wasn't as if she had even given him the chance to ask about their coworker. He did care about Cho's well-being; it had been one of the many things clawing at his mind all night.

"You're too busy chasing ghosts to _really_ worry about other people."

"I resent that!" he answered back hotly.

"Least of all me," she continued, stoically ignoring his outburst. Jane shook his head immediately, denying the accusations. "It'll be better for the both of us if we just draw a line under this whole sorry affair."

"But we love-"

"Please," Lisbon interrupted, her face looking as pained as the sound the crack in her voice made. "You're right; I do love you and I guess I always will. But you? You're probably only fond of me, at most."

"If I was only 'fond' of you, then why the hell would I have asked you to _marry_ me?"

"Because you thought it would make me happy," Lisbon answered sadly. "I appreciate the sentiment, really, I do, but it's time we stopped living a lie. Before…"

"Yes?"

"Before somebody gets killed."

"You mean, when Red John gets involved, don't you?"

Lisbon didn't answer him, but she didn't need to. Everything she was thinking was obvious, clear as day in her body language. She immediately averted her eyes and flinched at the moment Jane reached across her desk to gently touch her arm. With a frown, he pulled back. In reality, he knew he should have expected this. It was just a simple case of him _hoping_ for something else. He'd have loved another chance and the opportunity to finally set everything right between them.

He didn't blame her for denying him that, though. Heck, he would have done exactly the same if he were in her shoes.

"Have you finished?" he asked, when the silence grew unbearable.

He hadn't addressed the 'divorce' issue for a reason.

"Not quite," she admitted.

"Well?"

"The PSU have contacted me about yesterday's incident. I've given them my statement-"

"And?"

"And they are suspending you on full pay until they can make a thorough investigation into what the hell happened."

Jane turned on his heels, not bothering to address what she had said. As he strode away, he rummaged in his vest pocket. It didn't take him long to find his CBI identification card. Slowly, he pulled it out and gave it a brief glance. Then, he dropped it just outside of office. He wasn't in the mood to fight for it, not right now,

His wife – possibly, probably ex-wife – had just delivered him not one, but two almighty blows.

xxx

"Cho," Lisbon said, a small smile of relief escaping from her lips. "It's good to see you awake."

"You look like crap," Cho answered back, taking her by surprise. "When did you last get some sleep?"

She ignored his statement, and instead, grinned. "So do you."

After closing the door to Cho's private room, Lisbon took a seat beside his hospital bed. As she did so, she felt the exhaustion finally hit her. It wasn't surprising given the fact she literally hadn't slept for over thirty-six hours, spending much of that time anguishing over various dilemmas. It was at times like this when she swore blind that stress would be the thing to kill her. A tear threatened to break out from the corner of her left, but she blinked it back furiously. Now wasn't the time to let her emotions get the better of her.

"Well, you know, been shot," Cho said, his voice hoarse from the medication keeping the pain at bay, and most likely, the tubes that had been shoved down his throat barely an hour earlier. "What's your excuse?"

"It doesn't matter," she replied but Cho continued staring at her. "I was worried about you, okay?"

It wasn't a lie. Instead, it was just half the truth. Unfortunately for Lisbon, Cho wasn't out of it enough not to notice. Instead, he furrowed his brow ever so slightly. Just because he'd been seriously injured, it didn't mean he couldn't show concern for others too.

"And?" he pressed.

She could confide in Cho, she knew that. Heck, she had always been able to trust him more than her own husband. Theoretically, that wasn't all that much of a surprise, given the fact that she was married to Patrick Jane, but that was beside the point. It also didn't change the fact that half of her was unsure about even wanting to vocalize it, because that made her decision all the more real.

It didn't help that she had come here to see Cho and offer him a shred of comfort, rather than vice versa.

Even so, what was the use of just telling Jane and keeping it secret from everybody else? They'd all find out sooner, or later. It was best to get it out in the open, she considered. From personal experience, she knew there was nothing worse than people trying to protect you from hurt, just because you'd been injured.

"I left Jane," she eventually answered.

If Cho was surprised, he had the decency to not show it.

"Good," he said, his tone still gruff. "He wasn't treating you right."

"It's just a shame I was too stupid not to notice before now."

"I didn't say that, boss."

"Kimball, please," she said, clearly pained.

"More blinkered," he considered out loud. "What are you going to do now?"

"I don't know. Go home, pack my things, and get a room at a motel…"

Cho's frowned deepened and somehow, that made Lisbon feel all the more uncomfortable. Though he had confirmed that her decision to separate from Jane was the right one, the whole situation still made her feel uncomfortable. More than that, really. It was the look in his eyes, one of pity. She loathed it whenever people felt sorry for her, it just wasn't right.

And besides, it was her own fault for getting herself into this sorry mess.

"You can't stay at a motel."

"Why not?" she retorted irritably. "It gets me away from Jane. It gives him some space. Let's me…"

She trailed off. Though she had come to a decision, it didn't mean that she had actually come to terms with it. Catholic guilt, years of beliefs still held fast. As a consequence, she had always believed that marriage was meant to be for life, not until you couldn't stand the sight of your husband.

But she had been trying and trying. Everything about their union has been just getting to her and she'd had enough. How much more could she have given to a man who she simply had to accept was not interested?

She needed space, time to adjust to the sense of shame creeping over her. Who knew how long that would take?

"You don't know how long it'll take for you to get on your own two feet," Cho continued, almost as if he were reading her mind. "Stay at my place."

"Cho, I can't do that."

"You can and you will," he asserted. "Besides, having you around to look after me might encourage the doctors to release me sooner."

"You sure?" she asked dubiously.

"Wouldn't have offered if I wasn't, boss. My spare room is all yours."

"Teresa," she corrected immediately. "Come on, Kimball, you've known me long enough and if we're going to be living together…"

He yawned. "You have a point."

Lisbon felt as though a heavy weight had been lifted off of her shoulders. Though she had savings, they wouldn't have lasted long if she had thrown them all away on rooms to stay for the night. Even though she already had little intention of putting Cho out for very long, she was grateful that he had offered her a comfortable alternative. Realistically, she knew that she would have to discuss rent, paying for the bills and the like as soon as possible, but right now was not that moment. They were both shattered and in need of a good, long sleep.

"I should leave you to it."

"My spare keys are in my desk drawer at work," he informed her, obviously fighting to keep sleep at bay.

"You keep you spare keys at work?" Lisbon questioned, almost surprised.

"Where else would I keep them?"

Lisbon shrugged. Personally, she left hers next door with her elderly neighbor, Marjorie. Even before Jane had moved in with her, she had gotten along well with the woman. She was one of the many things she'd miss about her old place. But still, she didn't mind being the one to move out. After all, she was the one to leave Jane, not vice versa. It wasn't fair to kick him out of their home when she was the one who had decided to end it all.

"Get some sleep," he added as she stood. "You look like you need it."

"Only if you do too," Cho answered.

She nodded. But first, she had to gather together at least a few of her belongings and head to Cho's. As tempting as his spare bed was, she couldn't live without a few essentials.


	7. Chapter 7

"What are you doing?"

Lisbon was momentarily stunned at the distraction, to the extent that she actually dropped the pair of pants she had been hastily stuffing into her overnight bag. Slowly, she turned around to face Jane and the hurt was evident in his eyes. The question had been rhetorical; she knew she didn't really need to explain to Jane what she was doing. He was too goddamn clever for that. She sighed and ran a hand through her hair. As far as she was concerned, there was no need for this to turn into yet another argument. Hadn't they done enough of that? And couldn't they just pretend that all this hadn't happened and go back to how they once were?

No, she told herself firmly. Marriage changed things. It was meant to be for the better, but of course, it had to change them for the worse, didn't it? All because she had been too naïve and too hopeful about how things could have been. Really, the signs that their union was doomed to failure had been evident from the start.

"Packing," she answered, trying to keep her tone as even as possible. "What does it look like?"

"You don't need to do that," he answered quietly.

"I need to give you some space, get my own place…"

"I'm not going to kick you out of your own home, Teresa."

"You're not kicking me out," she asserted. "I'm _leaving_. I'm the one who decided to leave you, remember?"

"Of course I remember," he snapped back and blocked the bedroom door. "It's not exactly something anyone's going to forget, is it?"

"Well, then..."

"Don't you think this is all a bit hasty? Shouldn't we talk or something?"

"Talk?" she asked, incredulous. "It's a bit late for that. I'm sorry-"

"No you're not," he interrupted.

She flopped back down on their marital bed – the one which she could count the number of times they'd shared on just the one hand – and let out a sigh of frustration. He was right; she wasn't sorry. Instead, she was just angry and that worried her. She hadn't felt such a pent up rage directed at him for such a long while now. Still, never for an instant did she believe that their separation was going to be easy, but she had always somehow anticipated that if she chose to leave, Jane would let her go willingly. Being married to him had caused so much of her spirit to drain out of her, and she was sick and tired of it. She'd hoped that he would somehow see it as something like releasing an animal back to the wild. Or that she could just let him go, freeing him of the duties he had shouldered when he'd said 'I do'. It must have been as hard for him as it was for her; after all, a ceaseless act, pretending you loved someone when you didn't really, must have been exhausting. But now, of all times, he was choosing to fight for it, fight for _her_?

Why?

It was too little, too late, surely?

She'd made up her mind and she wasn't going to back down now. Damn it, it wasn't just him who needed space. Lisbon knew that she herself needed it too. She could feel it in her bones, practically. And besides, there was the whole Cho debacle. There was no way she could forgive Jane for that in a heartbeat. Any – or all three of them – could have been killed, simply because he refused to discuss things with her. She wasn't just his wife, she was his boss. He hadn't just broken her trust at home, but at work too.

Lisbon needed time, to forgive herself and to forgive him maybe.

If he deserved it, of course. But she had to come to that conclusion in her own good time.

And needed to get the hell away from him, in the meantime.

"Patrick…"

"Don't start, Teresa. I'm sick of this."

"Sick of what, exactly?" she practically snarled, furious that he was being so difficult now. "The pretending, the lies? Wishing you could feel more than apathy for me?"

"Don't you dare," he snapped back quickly.

"Don't I dare what?" Lisbon asked furiously. "Speak the truth? One of us has to admit to it."

"Don't you dare put words into my head, damn it, Teresa, I love you."

"Oh really? Or are you just saying that because you think it'll make things easier again?"

She zipped up the bag and hoisted it onto her shoulders. There were a few things that she hadn't been able to find, but Lisbon was certain that sooner or later, she would be able to get hold of them. But right now, she just needed to get out of there. It had been far too long since she had last been able to get some rest and she could feel just how weary she was getting. The last thing she wanted to do was collapse onto the bed and fall asleep. As soon as she was at Cho's, then she could rest. But that meant cutting this conversation – no, argument – short and getting the hell out of there.

"Where are you going?" he asked quietly,

"What does it matter?"

"This is your home! I moved in with _you_ , remember?"

"Of course I remember! But you don't have anywhere else to live. I can get by."

"You didn't answer my question," he answered back with narrowed eyes. "Don't you think you owe me a forwarding address at least?"

She snorted. "We see each other at work every day, don't we?"

"What if I ask to be transferred out of your unit? What if I leave?"

"You'll never do that."

"How do you know?" he asked.

"For one, we still haven't caught Red John. And secondly?" she paused to catch her breath. "Nobody else will have you. You know that as well as I do."

Lisbon brushed past him as she headed for the staircase. She choked back a sob as she descended; the last thing she wanted to do was give him more ammunition. When her hand was on the door knob, she paused and removed it. Then, she dug into her jacket pocket for three things. She dropped the rings onto the table and watched as they slowed to a standstill. Carefully, she removed her house key from her bunch and placed it neatly beside the jewelry. She was more than aware that she had an audience, but Lisbon ignored him.

She couldn't stand to look in his eyes for fear of what she might have seen if she did.

xxx

The house felt deathly quiet after Lisbon left. As soon as she'd done so, Jane picked up the rings and let his hands run over them, feeling the warmth reflected from the gold. It felt wrong, not seeing them on her fingers. Even worse knowing they were no longer in her possession. Still, he pocketed them himself and made a mental note to try and return them to her, one way or another. Even if she didn't wish to remain his wife, he had given her the rings in good faith. He wasn't about to accept them back any time soon.

But Lisbon was clever – even he had a habit of underestimating her on occasion. Jane knew it would take far more than surreptitiously leaving them in her office or slipping them into her jacket pocket to make her keep them for good.

This was something he was going to have to (try to) sleep on.

Of course, that was easier said than done. Jane had never slept well on even the best occasions, but right now, it had gotten worse. It didn't take long for him to grow sick and tired of tossing and turning before he eventually gave up. He threw back on the clothes he'd been wearing the previous day and headed straight out, not even bothering to stop and have a cup of tea. He just needed to get out of the house. Not to escape the memories of her, but just to get some fresh air to try and help him think straight.

Lisbon's rings felt heavy enough in his jacket pocket as it was.

Without even really planning to do so, Jane somehow ended up at the hospital where Cho was currently recuperating. A little small talk with one of the nurses, and some assistance with her smoking problem, meant he gained easy access to Cho's private room, without the need to worry about when visiting hours actually were.

His first thought was that it turned out that Cho even frowned in his sleep.

The second was that he probably shouldn't have come here, because he had clearly just disturbed Cho from his much-needed aforementioned slumber.

"What the hell are you doing here?" he rasped the moment he was conscious enough to realize that he had an audience.

"Visiting you," Jane said quickly and took a seat beside him. "I'm sorry."

"Whatever," Cho dismissed it quickly, clearly not believing it. "What do you want?"

"To know how you are."

"Fine," Cho answered bluntly.

"You're as bad as Lisbon, you know."

They both fell into an uncomfortable silence. Jane wasn't quite sure what he was doing here. All he knew was that he needed company of some sort. Somebody to help throw ideas off of. Or something like that, anyway. Cho seemed like as good a person as any, though the timing could probably have been better. Then again, hospital staff disturbed patients at regular intervals so it wasn't that likely that he was getting a particularly restful night's sleep.

"You're an idiot," Cho eventually said.

"And you're clearly feeling better already, if you're already ready to insult me," Jane replied with a grin.

"She didn't deserve to be treated like that."

"I know," Jane answered somberly.

"Then why the hell did you do it?"

Jane shrugged and stood once more. He knew he shouldn't be there; he was only making Cho more agitated. He'd always known that he and Lisbon had been particularly close friends. It was only natural that, despite his own very obvious discomfort, that he was still willing to fight in her corner. Jane knew all too well that he'd done wrong by Lisbon and Cho was only serving to remind him.

"I'd better go."

"Good."

"One more thing," Jane said, turning on his heels. "She's staying with you, right?"

"That's none of your business," Cho snapped.

He smirked; Cho's retort only served to confirm his hunch. It was a relief, in a way. Jane knew he could trust Cho to keep an eye on Lisbon as much as she would, him. And besides, it gave her the space she seemed to need at this moment in time.

It didn't stop him from thinking that _divorce_ was still a little rash, however.

xxx

She kept mostly to herself that morning. Though Lisbon had been able to rest fairly well at Cho's, she was still feeling very drained. The case they were currently working on wasn't one which required a particularly heavy workload, which was lucky, considering they were already one man down. It meant she could leave the majority of the legwork up to Rigsby and Van Pelt. Instead, she had chosen to immerse herself in the Red John case. She wanted to see exactly what it was that had meant Jane had run off on his fool's errand alone. Really, she needed to see the definitive proof that there was a link between Red John and that gang.

At the moment, she wasn't getting very far.

Mostly, because a plain manila envelope was practically staring at her.

Lisbon knew exactly what was inside of it and that was half of the problem. After all, she was the one to fill it. Deep down, she knew it was the right decision. She couldn't keep living like this; it was only serving to make her more and more unhappy by the day. And as for Jane? Well, with regards to him, she felt like she had gone right back to square one. Like she barely knew the man.

It was for the best, she told herself firmly. And besides, she had more important things to focus on, like work. That could wait until the lunch break, at the very least.

Still, her own thoughts and own misgivings clouded her judgment. Nothing was sticking out at her when it came to the case, either, which only added to her frustrations. She needed a win and a big one at that. Just something to give her some of her confidence back and to remind her why she had chosen this profession in the first place. Lisbon had always been determined to be a good cop, even if it was typically a man's world. She wanted to prove that she was just as good, or if not, better than the men at it, and yet, she had somehow become trapped in a world where she was reliant on Patrick Jane.

She was beginning to wonder if it was worth having him on her team at all. Lisbon was at her wit's end and felt more demoralized than she had ever done so before. In both her personal life and her career, Jane had undermined her. But, she also knew, deep down, that she couldn't bring herself to let go of him entirely. For a start, she knew just how important the Red John case was to him and she wasn't about to let go of that in a hurry.

And she knew that she would miss him too much if she turned her back on him entirely. It was better for her to have him in her professional life, if nothing else. She still felt obliged to watch over him, to make sure that he didn't get himself into too much trouble. Nobody else seemed to care about him, least of all Patrick Jane himself.

When she picked that damn envelope off her desk at one p.m. exactly and headed over to Jane's couch, it was with a heavy heart.

But she needed to do this, for herself. It was time to regain control of at least one aspect of her life.

"Jane."

He opened one eye to look at her and she quickly moderated her expression.

"Glad to see you're looking rested," she said with a smirk.

"And I'm just glad to see you, my dear," he answered back.

Lisbon shook her head; she wasn't about to let him sweet-talk her out of this.

"This is for you."

"Work?"

"No," she answered and headed straight back to her office.

She wasn't lying; the envelope contained the papers instigating divorce proceedings.


	8. Chapter 8

Jane watched as Lisbon stalked back to her office, not even bothering to watch him open the envelope.

In reality, he didn't have to open it to know what it most likely contained. If it wasn't some notes on one of their cases, then there were only two other possibilities. Lisbon had already obliquely implied that she wasn't going to ask for him to be removed from her team any time soon. That was something Jane was infinitely grateful for; he simply did not want to work with anyone other than Teresa Lisbon. It just seemed unfathomable and besides, she herself was convinced that nobody else would have him, anyway.

That left one other thing.

And that meant that she wasn't wasting any time, clearly.

He didn't bother opening it on his couch, not with Rigsby and Van Pelt watching his every move. They were both almost as angry as Lisbon was at the fact that Cho had been shot. And he knew they weren't idiots; they had probably seen the cracks in the relationship which had become infinitely more obvious since then.

But he wasn't sure if they'd worked out that Lisbon had actually left him yet.

Van Pelt was notoriously optimistic and a romantic at heart. She had loved it when they had announced they were dating and been thrilled to be a bridesmaid at the wedding. Even now, she still dropped hints about whether or not they were considering children and the like. Rigsby, out of respect, was far more likely to keep his thoughts to himself.

And if they hadn't, that was something he'd rather keep to himself, or at least, until Cho was released from hospital. After all, he was determined to prove to her that he was still worth the effort. That he wasn't ready to give up, even if she was.

So, he followed her directly back into her office and she scowled the moment he slammed the door shut. He couldn't blame her for reacting as such; she did wear her heart on her sleeve. However, Lisbon also couldn't have seriously expected him to just lie down and take the divorce proceedings willingly, could she?

He'd said just how _sorry_ he was often enough of late, just how much he wanted to make it up to her.

It simply hurt him to know that he might have realized just what she meant to him and how he needed her too little, too late.

However, he was also more than aware that she was worth fighting for. And there was enough life left in this old dog yet. And Lisbon was as stubborn as they came, so he knew that he was most definitely going to need that fighting spirit.

"What do you want, Jane?" she said snappishly.

"You know what I want."

"Can't you see I'm busy?"

He took the seat opposite her and he knew that simply annoyed her further. Then again, she was in one of those moods where if anyone did anything, it was liable to irritate her one way or another. Just one look at her told him that, though she had been able to get some sleep since the shooting, it hadn't been all that restful. Besides, being drained emotionally had all kinds of effects on people that even sleep couldn't help. Jane was desperate to reach out at her, to hold her, to kiss it better, if at all possible. However, he also knew that if he were to dare to do such a thing, it would result in a slap, or more likely, a punch to the nose.

And his nose had taken far too many hits of late. He was trying to cut down on making people resort to physical violence when dealing with him. Of course, that was going abysmally, but that didn't matter.

"Jane."

"Yes, my dear?"

"Do you have any information on a _case_?" she seethed, ignoring the fact that he had cheekily slipped in the term of endearment.

"No, but I have information on this."

He slammed the envelope back down on her desk and she just stared at it. The silence between them became painful; it would have been possible to cut through it with a knife. Even so, Jane continued to stare his wife down, daring her to be the one to break it. He knew she was confused, wondering why he was handing it straight back to her without even bothering to take a look at it.

"What the hell do you mean, Jane?"

"I don't want to divorce you, Teresa."

"Jane?"

"Yes?"

"Don't make this any more difficult than it already is. _Please_."

xxx

Lisbon shivered as she wrapped herself in the thin sheets. It was good of Cho to offer her the spare bedroom in his house, even though she knew he had an ulterior motive. Even so, she was more than aware that he was being a little too hopeful if he expected to be released from hospital within the next couple of days. However, when he was allowed to leave, she was more than happy to offer him the support he'd require. After all, at this moment in time, she knew that they could both do with a friend.

It was funny. Now that she finally had the time to sleep and relax, she simply could not get to sleep. Her stomach was tying itself in knots and she had the desperate urge to vomit. However, she ignored it and instead, screwed her eyes tightly shut. She needed to sleep, to relax. To allow her body to recover from the physical blows she had delivered it recently. Even so, it seemed like her brain was deciding to be contrary and ensure that sleep continually eluded her, despite the fact that now, she needed it the most.

She couldn't let herself get into a state. Lisbon knew all too well the damages that too little sleep could do to a person. Her husband - ex-husband - had lived with insomnia for as long as she had known him. It had always hurt her to see Jane in such a mess, especially as she knew there was so little she could actually do for him. If she could have waved a magic wand to make him feel better, then she would have done so. However, Jane had always pushed her away, despite the fact she had been more than willing to stick by him through thick and thin. She'd always known that he had barely been a husband to her, that she could count the number of times they had been physically intimate with one another on just the one hand, but it didn't stop the painful ache inside.

Why did it have to end this way?

In reality, Lisbon knew the answer to that question. She couldn't keep holding her breath and waiting for Jane to be on the same page as she was. It was stopping her from living her own life, draining her of all her energy. Handing him those divorce papers had been a double-edged sword. On one side, she had felt freer than she had done so in such a long way. However, she had also wondered if she were giving up all too easily. If she hadn't fought enough for him…

It didn't help that he was planting silly thoughts in her head either. The actions he'd taken with the divorce papers in the office, for a start. She was just relieved that he hadn't done anything ridiculous like trying to shred it or tearing them into a thousand tiny pieces. After all, Patrick Jane was famed for making a scene.

Then again, there was still time for him to act in such a way, she surmised.

She just hoped that he wouldn't.

Muttering incoherently, she tossed on the unfamiliar mattress. She needed to sleep; she had a long day tomorrow. First, she had to go and testify in a couple of court cases and then, she wanted to drop by at the hospital to check on Cho's prognosis. Apparently, she had also been booked into see the departmental shrink, as was protocol after a shooting. Given previous incursions she's had with a psychiatrist that was naturally, something she was dreading. And then, there was that open case that was irritating her. Lisbon felt like there was something that she was missing, something which should have been obvious but she just couldn't put her finger on it.

On top of all that, she had to face Jane. Again.

She sighed. It was going to be a long day.

Especially if she was going to be running on empty.

xxx

Jane spent much of the night reading through the papers.

Lisbon had 'kindly' stuck post it notes throughout, indicating where he needed to sign before they were filed off. It was like she couldn't even trust him not to screw that up.

Of course, he still had no intentions whatsoever of actually signing. Instead, he was more than happy to just sit on them and carry on trying to find a way to make everything right between them. No, not right, but better than it had ever been before.

He'd always loved her, deep down. However, the fact that he had never completely closed the door on his first wife had always prevented him from being able to commit fully to her. It had taken a near-death experience for him to realize exactly what he nearly lost and he hated himself for it.

Because, in a roundabout way, it had pushed her over the edge.

He still felt incredibly guilty about his first wife. It didn't help that, now, all of his emotions to do with her were tied up with Red John. Jane knew that he needed to somehow dissociate himself from the serial killer in order to actually move on. For the first time, his quest for revenge felt like a game for fools and madmen. That was something that Lisbon had been trying to tell him for years. And yet, he had always closed his mind to the concept until now.

Red John had already cost him too much of his soul. Too many people had already paid the ultimate price in order to try and bring him down.

It was faintly surprising that Lisbon hadn't been amongst that number.

Maybe Red John had known just how unhappy their relationship had truly been and had somehow decided that that was punishment enough?

Maybe she would be in even greater risk should they reconcile and do things properly this time?

Jane shook his head. It definitely wasn't worth thinking like that.

It confused matters for a start.

And besides, if they lured Red John in, then it would make it all the easier for Lisbon to apprehend him. To get him in front of a judge and jury and seek closure in the legal way. Jane smiled slightly. It was strange just how good that thought felt.

That would result in not just closure for himself, but for all the other families that had been blighted by Red John.

He wasn't the only person that had suffered. Somewhere along the line, he'd forgotten that.

With a strange sense of strength, Jane found that he was unable to sleep. Instead, he hauled himself out of bed, changed and headed straight to his beloved car. Working almost on autopilot, he drove directly to the cemetery where his wife and daughter were buried.

Jane knew that this wasn't going to be the last time he visited; he couldn't cut them out entirely.

However, it was going to be the first time he saw them with their chapter firmly behind him.

He couldn't let them affect his future quite so much, not anymore.

After all, a ghost could never compare to a woman who was willing to give him everything.

Well, provided he could prove to her that he was worth everything once more.


	9. Chapter 9

Lisbon had been wondering when Jane's suspension would actually kick in, but when she discovered that he had somehow managed to get it overturned prior to the PSU's investigation, she found herself seething. It wasn't just the fact that he had undermined her (yet again) at work, but he seemed insistent upon not giving her the space to breathe. And just as irritatingly, he still hadn't bothered to take the time to finish off his details in the forms for the court proceedings. She just could not understand what his reasoning behind delaying it was, never mind try and comprehend why he had had this sudden change of heart. All he was doing was causing her yet more grief and she knew it would be easier for the both of them if they just walked away from it.

She didn't have any hard feelings for him; his passion for his ex-wife had actually been quite the admirable trait in him. However, the fact it eclipsed their present, the here and now, had been the breaking point. If only he'd learned that he couldn't deal with Red John on his own, had trusted her to help him apprehend the serial killer, then maybe it wouldn't have had to end in this way. It wasn't the ending she envisaged for them, or even the best that she'd hoped for, but it had to be this way. Lisbon frowned as she concentrated on the road in front of her. Of course, her traitorous mind was arguing back, that she did still love him, and that he could be worth it. But a temporary reprieve which he seemed to be offering would never make up for the pain she'd already endured. She just didn't know if she could put her heart on the line again.

The drive to the hospital was mercifully brief. Lisbon knew that Cho was waiting impatiently for her, desperate to return home. It didn't take any of her team long to begin to suffer from cabin fever when trapped in a hospital bed. That was hardly surprising; nobody liked staying in such a place, even if it was for their own good and even if they had been injured on the job. But her team, they were all highly strung and dedicated individuals. It always seemed catastrophically worse for them to be consigned to bed rest.

She was glad that Cho was ready to come home. The past week or so had been tense and she knew that her second in command was getting irritable at the fact his discharge from hospital had been continually delayed.

"How are you doing?" she asked as she helped to ease him off the bed.

"Fine. Ready to go home. You?"

"Fine," she answered back shortly.

They were both lying and Lisbon knew it. Even so, she didn't bother to argue with Cho. Neither of them had the energy for that either. Instead, she knew that he would find her and talk to her as and when he was ready. There was no point in pushing somebody like Cho. If she did, then he would only close up more. They were two very similar people in that respect.

It wasn't long until she had Cho installed in his bedroom. He'd initially wanted to help her with cooking dinner, but she had been the more persistent of the two. Cho was still recovering from a major shooting and major surgery as a consequence. She wasn't going to let him risk injuring himself further. Besides, fussing over Cho – cooking included – gave her a much needed distraction from everything else that was going on in her life.

More importantly, it stopped her from thinking about Jane.

She smiled slightly when she saw Cho fast asleep. Instead of heading towards his bedside with the light meal she'd prepared for him, she slowly turned on her heels and attempted to creep out slowly. When he muttered something under his breath, Lisbon froze. She had half expected him to wake suddenly. A second later, he did just that.

"Lisbon."

"Hey, good to see you awake. I made dinner."

"Thanks," he replied and he smiled gratefully. "Where's yours?"

Lisbon glanced away. "I've already eaten."

"Right."

The tone in his voice suggested he didn't believe her, and rightly so. Lisbon was in no mood to eat and cooking had made her feel ill. She put it down to stress, but regardless of the cause, she wasn't about to force feed herself. Instead, she chose to focus on the task in hand and that was making sure that he did. He quietly thanked her again, and she slipped out of the room.

She still wasn't entirely sure what to do with herself.

Right now, all she felt like was a boat without a rudder, drifting and waiting to be caught once more.

xxx

Jane found himself staring up at Cho's house from his car.

Briefly, he saw Lisbon peek through the curtains and his heart skipped a beat at the very sight of her. So, she knew he was sitting there, knew he was waiting patiently, for something, anything really. However, she also hadn't bothered to come out and send him away. Jane knew that it was a bit pathetic of him to do this, but he also couldn't help it.

He just wished he could build up the confidence to go up to the door and knock on it.

If only he had the confidence to actually go and talk to her again.

Then again, it was difficult. At work, at least, he had a cause to go and speak to her. Outside of it, she simply didn't care unless he was going to update her on the divorce proceedings. The proceedings which he was putting all his energies into stopping.

He didn't want to divorce her. He wanted to prove to her just how much he loved her, and how much he needed her. Jane wanted to tell her that he had been foolish to not realize just how important she was to him prior to this. It had taken a near-death incident to reawaken the feelings that had lay latent within him. In a way, he had always loved her; he'd just been blinded by the love for his first wife to know just how deeply he felt. It had almost been his way of protecting himself from getting hurt again, if anything were to happen to her.

However, the problem was getting that message across to her.

Lisbon wasn't like other women. She was as stubborn as a mule and often, quite blinkered when it came to emotions. A few apologies, declarations of love and meaningful gifts would never be enough for her. In truth, considering his past behavior, it wouldn't have been enough for any woman. But he knew that that applied to Lisbon even more so. It was half what made her so alluring, but it also made her equally frustrating. Right now, Jane knew he could say anything and she still wouldn't believe him. What she needed was action, proof positive of his feelings and she needed it now.

The only problem was getting close enough to do that.

He sighed, drummed his fingers against the steering wheel and continued to stare pointedly at Cho's house. Jane wondered what they were doing together. Other people might have suspected that something illicit was going on, but not Jane. He had known them both for long enough to realize their relationship was strictly platonic. However, even that wasn't necessarily enough to stop his imagination from running riot. Jane could certainly imagine Cho having a deep discussion about Lisbon's relationship with him, insisting that it was for the best that she had asked for a divorce. He had never approved of Jane's treatment of her, after all. The only reason he hadn't intervened until now was because he'd never seen it as his place to say. Cho had very much sided with Lisbon on this issue, and justifiably so. Still, Jane hoped that Lisbon was silently thinking up counter-arguments to any statement he may or may not have made.

Of course, it was entirely plausible that they weren't talking at all. Cho could easily have been sleeping; drugged up to his eyeballs with painkillers. Jane felt the guilt rush through him yet again. Somebody he cared about was suffering because of him. At this moment, it seemed like _everybody_ he cared about was hurting one way or another.

After another hour of staring, the same lights remained on in Cho's home. Lisbon hadn't glanced out of the curtains again and Jane was getting bored. Finally, he had the resolve to do what he thought he should have done hours ago. He stood up, locked up his car and strode straight to the house. Jane knocked smartly on the door three times and after two long minutes, Lisbon answered.

"What do you want, Jane?" she asked tiredly.

He glanced over her. She didn't look right. Concern immediately replaced any resolve he'd had to persuade her to give him another chance.

She definitely looked like she needed help.

xxx

When Jane didn't answer her question, she rolled her eyes. It was so typical of the man to come here just to annoy her. He knew that she didn't want to see him, and yet, he had conducted a stakeout outside of Cho's house for the past three hours. Any attempt at relaxing had gone out of the window. Instead, Lisbon had curled up in a ball on the couch and just hoped that sleep would eventually wash over her.

It didn't help that she had begun to feel a little under the weather. Not only had was she decidedly not feeling hungry, but nausea had made her feel significantly worse. Both her head and back ached, so she had put it down to being an oncoming migraine and treated it accordingly. The painkillers hadn't worked though, and now she had to face her irritating ex-husband again. All she wanted to do was return to the couch and hope that the pain would go away.

"I said, 'what do you want?'" she repeated, frustrated.

"What's wrong, Teresa?"

She took a step back and frowned. Jane took the opportunity to slip inside and close the door behind him. Lisbon sighed. She should have known that he would have taken any opportunity to come inside. Then again, it was her fault. She should have sent him away when she had first realized he was waiting outside at seven p.m. Then, he wouldn't have decided to come and disturb her for some unfathomable reason.

"I'm fine," she answered back automatically, but she knew he wouldn't believe her. Especially so when she considered the skills he had. He could read her like an open book. "Jane, I'm tired, I want to go to…"

Without warning, he placed a hand against her forehead and she flinched at the feeling. In a way, she knew she should have been grateful that he hadn't tried anything more inappropriate, like giving her a hug or kissing her. Even so, having him in such close proximity gave her mixed feelings. She had missed his gentle touch; she'd have been a fool to deny it. Equally, she didn't want him anywhere near her. However, she didn't have the energy to fight back. Not at the moment, anyway. Jane frowned in response and she could see just how worried she was.

"It's just a migraine; I'll be fine in the-"

"You're running a temperature."

"So?" she asked.

"Don't lie to me, Teresa, please. Just this once I need you to be completely honest with me," he spoke calmly and she opened her mouth with an angry retort, which he promptly cut off. "Now, what's wrong?"

"It's a migraine," she answered flatly.

"I'm not so sure about that."

He placed the same hand to her stomach abruptly and she winced as the pain shot through her. At that sign, she relented and told him precisely what was wrong. She described the pain in her lower back, the nausea, how she had almost vomited while preparing Cho's dinner and how she had felt increasingly worse over the space of three hours. Jane slowly helped her to sit down and Lisbon only felt a little relief at that. The concern on Jane's face had only increased as she described precisely how she felt. She had only seen him look that scared a few times before, and one of those was recent: when he hadn't known if it had been her or Cho who had been shot down.

"I think you need to see a doctor."

"Don't be ridiculous."

"Please?"

"What about Cho?"

"I'll call Van Pelt. She's lives nearby. But right now, your health is more important."

Lisbon considered his stance for just a second. She was partially tempted to tell Jane to go screw himself. However, she was feeling increasingly worse and he was speaking sense when he suggested medical attention. But then, the small voice in the back of her head was telling her that it was just a migraine, that she just had cramps and that it would all go away within a couple of days.

"Fine," she eventually muttered. "But only to prove to you that it's _nothing_."


	10. Chapter 10

Everything seemed to happen in the blink of an eye. Patrick Jane was grateful for that. His nerves were frayed due to the tension, and Lisbon's condition only seemed to be worsening. The moment that a breathless Grace Van Pelt appeared on Cho's doorstep, Jane whisked Lisbon away to the hospital. It was a blessed relief that she didn't argue about the treatment. Half of him had expected her to do so. After all, since their disaster of a marriage had begun, she had only grown increasingly contrary with him. He couldn't blame her for that; if their roles were reversed, he would have probably behaved in exactly the same manner. Heck, he was difficult enough to deal with as it was.

But this time, she seemed to understand that it was for the best. The false bravado quickly disappeared and all he saw was a tired, exhausted woman who was in an incredible amount of pain. Deep down, she knew that she needed help in order to deal with it all and she actually trusted him to get her it. Jane tried not to read too much into her actions, but a tiny part his heart couldn't help but sing out: she _still_ trusted him. However, levels of trust and mere hints of possibility for the future were currently unimportant. If something happened to Teresa Lisbon because of his distraction, he wouldn't forgive himself. After all, she would be the second wife he'd lost due to his folly. And, somewhat more selfishly, if she didn't live to fight another day, then there was no hope for them in the future at all.

She clung desperately onto him as she was passed from pillar to post in the hospital, from doctor to surgeon. Nobody shooed him aside, they understood that Lisbon needed him to be there and Jane was grateful for that. He heard whispers of what was wrong – details about her symptoms, in shock, other little complications, and the key word: appendicitis – and he remembered it all from when his daughter had suffered from the illness, aged three. That was why he had been so concerned about the symptoms she had had been displaying back at Cho's house. However, Jane knew that most of the situation was still going straight over Lisbon's head. She was too far gone; too ill to even understand. Jane didn't want to think about what could have happened if he hadn't managed to persuade her to come along with him, but it didn't matter. The doctors knew what they were doing. They would save her life. And that, of course, was the main thing.

Eventually, they had to be parted. He desperately wanted to stand beside her, to hold her hand as the anesthetic took control of her body. Really, all he wanted to do was show that he would be there for her, no matter what. Tears stung in the corner of his eyes as she was wheeled away on the gurney. Jane couldn't help the reaction; it was all autonomous. It had triggered the dark questions in the back of his mind, the ones he didn't want to face. What if she didn't make it, what if it was too late, what if something went wrong? Without the operation, she had no hope, but even with it, something could still go wrong.

He paced desperately around the waiting room, practically wearing a hole in the linoleum flooring. As a distraction, he called everyone who needed to know: their boss, her brothers, Rigsby, Van Pelt. Each one expressed their concern and insisted they pass on their well wishes once she was conscious. But, as fast as time seemed to have been for him to get to this point, it now seemed to go in the opposite direction. It was almost as if the hands of the clock were stuck in place. But that was only natural; he was waiting for important news, something which could indicate the direction of his life in either way.

Essentially, as far as he was concerned, Teresa Lisbon's life hung in the balance, and thus, so did his.

He could remember the time he was waiting in hospital with his first wife, for news on the prognosis of their little girl. For hours, they held one another's hands tightly, gripping onto each other as if that were the only way to keep them both in this world. When they had said she was going to be okay, his heart had leapt up to his mouth and his wife was beaming from ear to ear.

This time, he was alone.

There was nobody there to share the joy – or potential desolation – of this current predicament.

Everyone else who cared about Lisbon was busy, or at the very least, otherwise engaged. The fact that they weren't present didn't say anything less about how much they cared about her. If they could have been there for her, for them, they would have.

Eventually, Jane settled down on one of the plastic formed chairs and buried his head in his hands.

He didn't even notice when the blood-spattered surgeon opened the door to greet him. Instead, he just heard a single sentence, a few words that meant everything to him.

"She's out of surgery. She's going to be okay."

xxx

Everything passed in a dreamless haze.

Or at least, if Lisbon had dreamed during the surgery, she couldn't remember it.

Prior to the anesthesia, but after Jane had left her side, she had spoken in a babble. Teresa Lisbon _never_ babbled, except it seemed, when her life hung in the balance.

She spoke of her marriage dilemma. Of how Jane had let her down so badly and how she still loved him. Then, she informed them of just how much he had changed in the past couple of weeks, since Cho's accident. And then, she told the medics about work, and how she had met him, and how she could never really escape him.

She asked if love was truly enough, if she should forgive him.

Lisbon never got an answer for that question. Or if she did, she had already gone under.

When she awoke, she was thirsty and water was all she could think of. The nurse obliged willing with the first, second and third glassfuls. However, when it came to the fourth she insisted upon her slowing down and with considerable difficulty, Lisbon managed to obey the instructions.

As she sipped at the drink, she slowly began to remember how, and why, she had ended up here. Much of it was a haze, just like her dreams while unconscious. However, she could remember fighting with Jane again, trying to prove that there was nothing seriously wrong with her. She had eventually relented, and it was a good job too. In the end, he had been right after all.

He'd saved her life.

Probably.

But still, she knew she felt torn.

She'd given him her heart and soul, and yet he had thrown it all back in her face. If anything, he had treated her in the worst possible way and shown her so little respect, it was unbelievable. Could she really forgive him for such a thing?

And yet, in a short space of time, he had been trying to make amends. _Really_ trying, and for the first time ever, it seemed like he genuinely meant it as well. She knew him; she could tell the difference between his lies and the truth. That was something which Lisbon had learned the very hard way. When it came to Patrick Jane, this behavior had to mean something. It couldn't just be another lie to stack on top of all the others.

Why would he fight so hard for her when he knew she'd already given up on their marriage?

But she had to know, where had this sudden change in demeanor had come from?

Had he realized that he had genuinely loved her all along? Had the feelings simply been laying, latent, inside of him?

Was it just a fear that he might have lost the only person who had ever shown him that they cared about him? (Or at least, she was the only person to do so since his first wife.)

Lisbon knew that she had to talk to him – really talk to him – to set her feelings straight.

But for now, she was exhausted, numb and still in a little pain. However, that was only to be expected after having to endure emergency surgery.

xxx

He had absent-mindedly started to stroke her hair when her eyes flickered open. Reflexively, Jane pulled away; he was well aware that Lisbon may have still found this kind of behavior inappropriate. After all, the last time they had talked – properly talked – she had still been insistent upon them divorcing one another.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

Lisbon stared at him searchingly and Jane could tell that she was trying to figure out whether or not he genuinely meant it. Eventually, she nodded slightly and smiled weakly. Relief washed over him; there was the Teresa Lisbon he loved.

"S'okay," she answered and they fell into an awkward silence before she continued. "Stupid appendix."

"Good job it's a redundant body part," he said with a wry grin.

"Yeah," she agreed.

Again, they fell into that uncomfortable silence and Jane wished he knew how to transition the conversation into the area it needed to be. But Lisbon was still ill, even if she was now on the road to recovery, and contrary to popular belief, he did have some decent bones in his body. In reality, he knew that she needed time to recuperate before she even thought about where she stood with him.

For now, he tried to enjoy the physical closeness. It was something he'd had to live without during the time she had shunned him and only now was he beginning to realize just how much he'd enjoyed it.

Slowly, after another drink of water, she moved her hands to clasp hold of his. The action took Jane by surprise, but then, Lisbon was one of the few people who could do that. Despite his impressive skills, it didn't mean he could read every single person all of the time. And Lisbon, naturally, was one of the people he found that little more difficult to get a read of.

"Teresa," he started tentatively.

"We need to talk," she said, surprisingly abruptly.

"It can wait. You need to get better first."

" _I_ can't wait," she asserted. "And besides, they have really good drugs here."

"I'll bet."

Slowly, she started to ask the questions that had been plaguing her and he answered each one to the best of his ability.

Jane explained his initial intentions, how he had gotten everything so wrong (again) and how he couldn't have been sorrier about it, even if he tried. He promised her that things had changed since then, that he did genuinely love her and how he suspected that deep down, he always had done. Otherwise, why would he have even considered suggesting _marriage_ in the first place?

Why it had taken a risk to her life, and Cho's injury, to realize just how much she meant to him, he couldn't explain.

He told her just how much he feared for her life, that day. How much he feared not having her in it all.

And he informed her just how scared he'd been to potentially lose her for good, again, today.

Eventually, Jane finished with three short words, something which he should have said a long time ago.

"I love you."

By the end of it all, he felt like he had been cut open and let everything he possibly had out. Jane still didn't know if he'd done enough, if she had even believed that he had been telling the truth the entire time. The only benefit to doing it in such a position was the simple fact that Lisbon couldn't walk off in disgust if she hadn't believed it. Instead, her green eyes stared at him, daring him to go further and further and he had.

But now, he only had one question for her in response.

"And what do you think about me?"

"After everything, I really shouldn't, but I still love you," she whispered quietly. He nodded and accepted her stance, but she still wasn't done yet. "Where do we go from here?"

"Do you still want that divorce?" he asked nervously and gripped hold of her hand tightly. "If it's what you really want…"

She shook her head. "But we need to start again. Do this properly. Reconsider our options after we've sorted ourselves out."

"As a couple?"

"As a couple," she echoed.

For now, Jane knew that that was enough. Their marriage – their relationship, really – had never been perfect. Far from it, in fact. But that didn't mean it couldn't, at some point, hold some kind of beauty. Almost anything could be beautiful if you looked at it in the right way.

And it was going to be hard, but Jane knew that this was something he could make work.


End file.
